I had spent a few years researching what was going on with our youngest son. By the time he was in the first grade, he continued to excel in his learning capabilities. He went from reading at two and barely talking, to reading and talking fluently, and learning algebraic equations at 4 years old. He seemed to excel specifically in Math and Reading.
He was doing so well in those areas that the private Christian school that he attended suggested that he be moved from the first grade to the second grade. Though that was an incredible gesture on their part, we declined. We felt that while he may have been excelling academically, socially and emotionally he was not. We knew that he was not mature enough to skip a grade level.
His behaviors at home and at school had not improved. We had previously taken him to see a psychiatrist at the Children’s Mercy in our city. The psychiatrist at that time stated that he was just acting out because we were rewarding the bad behavior by responding to it, instead of only praising him and giving him attention when he acted appropriately. While we believed this to be true in part, we did not believe that this was the primary reason for his behaviors.
Besides throwing tantrums when he didn’t get his way, he would disrupt class with noises, wouldn’t stay in his seat, fight other kids in the classroom, would say things that were socially inappropriate, and would often get distracted and off task. One behavior in particular that we had not seen that began to occur was, when he was given a writing assignment to either summarize what happened in a story that was read or if he had to write his own story-he would scream, “I can’t do it!” and then run out of the classroom. Even with him being coached by the teacher he refused to do it. His teachers would basically send those assignments home and we would work with him on them at home. This continued well into the 2nd grade.
This once again led me on a quest to find the answer of what was the cause of this unexplained behavior. I had been researching Giftedness and Autism in children. I truthfully had leaned more towards the giftedness side of it because of all the extraordinary things that he was able to do. I also had a pre-conceived notion of what children with Autism looked like and I wasn’t convinced that he fit the profile. But once this new behavior arose, I started to look more into the other side of things.
As I continued my research, I began by making a list of things that I had observed regarding our son. Here are some of the things I observed:
- Heightened awareness of all five senses– sight– very particular about his personal space, or perception of what he thinks someone is doing to or towards him (gestures); smell – quick to say things don’t smell right or that a smell is making him sick; taste -still has pica (chewing on his clothes or things that aren’t food), or complaining about the texture of certain foods or that certain foods leave a bad taste in his mouth; touch – highly sensitive about the way his clothes/tags/shoes/coats/sores or scratches feel on his skin, very particular about being touched from the neck up (doctor’s appointments or cleaning his face or ears); complaining the bottoms of his feet are hurting; hearing -will sometimes cover his ears with certain noises or pitches, calmed and deeply moved by music
- Social/Emotional traits-very sensitive emotionally and physically, extremes of emotion-needs help with anger management and basic emotion control, concerned about fairness and justice, perfectionistic-when doing homework will constantly erase and rewrite if he doesn’t like the way it looks, strong need or desire for comfort; feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, heightened sense of right and wrong (hypocrisy); problems adjusting to change, exhibits physical responses to emotions (stomach pains), no concept of how other’s feel-(self-centered)
- Psychomotor sensitivities– impulsivity, competitiveness, compulsive talking, nervous habits and tics( always counting on his fingers even in his sleep, makes self-soothing noises, constantly walks in circles around furniture)
- Intellectual – has a deep curiosity, love of knowledge and learning, asks probing and “what-if” questions; very observant, has intense interests in specific topics (numbers and video games); well-developed powers of abstraction, quickly sees relationships in objects, learns quickly with less practice and repetition
- Imaginational-has a strong fear of the unknown, good sense of humor, lacks imagination outside of himself, fear of thunderstorms
- Other Traits– deals in absolutes(everything is black and white, no gray areas), if there is more than one answer or more than one way to get to the answer, he has trouble adjusting; he fixates on a particular problem or thing like numbers(fixates on his letter grade and the percentage number with the perception that his teachers just want to give him hard work so that he can get a bad grade); Must be constantly redirected to move on from his fixation to be able to complete his homework; Races to get his homework done; Constantly moving and not readily able to sense danger(jumping off of high places); likes to be in tight-confined spaces; fleeting eye contact, inability to order sequence and recant events in detail, sometimes has facial expressions that don’t match what is happening; likes to correct people, conversation is not reciprocal(one-sided); very rigid (wants to adhere to routines); very rule-governed
- Asynchronous Development -not talking in three or more word phrases at age 2 but reading; At age 3 reading fluently and at 2nd grade level, teaching himself how to count to 100 in English and Spanish but still throwing tantrums; At age 4 doing algebraic equations and multiplication tables from 1-10; At age 7 in the 2nd grade doing math with the 5th graders consisting of two & three digit multiplication but still throws tantrums
Taking what I had pieced together, I began to take all of this to God in prayer. While I believe that God had initially led me on the path to research Giftedness and Autism in children, I was now seeking more clarity because I felt that we would need to eventually get a diagnosis for our son. We had also been informed that the private Christian school that he was attending would be closing after the current school year and we would once again have to make a decision on whether to keep him in private school or allow him to go to public school.
In my quiet time with God, He revealed some things to me. One, the issue our son was having with writing assignments was a complex one. If it was related to facts, he could recite those from rote memory; but if he had to formulate his own opinions or thoughts that was a different story. I began to understand that just because he had begun reading at such an early age, did not mean that he had a clear grasp of the concepts or understood what he was reading. And two, that as long as we prayed for God to place Godly administrators and teachers in place that would have a heart for our son, that he would be okay in public school. This was reassuring to me because the main reason we had put him in private Christian School was so that his spirit would be nurtured and not crushed, and to assure that he would maintain his love for learning and school.
God had given me the revelation that our son did not understand what he was reading. That was a big surprise and had never even occurred to us. So, all this time we had just assumed that he understood what he was reading. As I further researched this, I came to learn that the issue he was having dealt with receptive language– the ability to understand and comprehend language that you hear or read. It also brought me to the understanding that he also co-equally struggled with expressive language -the ability to use language to communicate or express one’s needs, thoughts, and ideas to others; and pragmatic language -the use of appropriate communication in social situations.
Being so enlightened, all of this brought me to several conclusions. First, that his behaviors were not what they seemed. He was not being stubborn, obstinate, or had a lack of respect for authority. He was having difficulty expressing himself, communicating his needs, understanding what was expected of him, and awkwardly trying to navigate social situations. Second, that all behavior has a reason, it is not something that is just done willy nilly. And third, that God had a desire for us to know what was going on with our son as much or even more than we did.
I have found that throughout this whole journey of trying to identify the underlying issues in some of our son’s behaviors, God has always been faithful. He has never led us astray. I praise God and am so thankful to Him that He revealed to me that things are not always what they seem. Isaiah 25:1 says, “O Lord, thou art my God; I will exalt thee. I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things; thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.”
When I can’t depend on anyone else to come through for me in the time of need, I can ALWAYS depend on God. And rightly so. My expectation is never disappointed when it is placed in Him. “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him”, Psalm 62:5. His counsel is always sure.
What is it that you are looking in expectation for? Answers to some questions asked in desperation? Clarity on a matter? Whatever it is, trust God in answering that expectation and know in advance that you will never be disappointed when you place your expectation in Him instead of man.
God Bless,
Nikki